Monday, November 25, 2013

It Has Been a While

So, I randomly just decided to check my blog tonight as I was curious really how long it had been. You know, with Harrison, I posted too regularly and had each year (the first three) made into a blog book. For Fisher, well, I haven't done any of that. It is a shame. It is one of those things that as you look at other parents, you proudly declare that "I will do it differently." Similar to before you have kids and you say "I will never" to all of those things that you inevitably do within your first 6 months. I was one of those pet people that was sure that my pets wouldn't be on the back burner once I had kids. After all, I had two big dogs that I loved and I wanted to take them every where. Well, that changed in about .2 hours. Life is totally different now. I'm a traveling, working mom. And it is crazy tough. I travel almost every Tuesday through Thursday. This mostly means that I have an amazing husband who keeps life afloat without me...which honestly brings me the greatest joy, yet in this weird way brings me guilt that I'm not needed in this awful co-dependent way. On Tuesday mornings on the plane, I often second-guess my career choice. I can't believe I'm leaving the three most important people in my life behind for two and a half days. It is incredibly hard. Sometimes I will journal about it. More often than not, I usually develop this crazy lump in my throat. But the reality is hard. And it is full of choices. And we have to make sacrifices. One thing I know, is that I'm exactly where the Lord wants me. Now, it gives me a peace of mind as I leave every Tuesday...but it doesn't really make it less hard. I have also learned to not let others judge your sacrifice. Working for a super-conservative company, I have heard around the water-cooler, "well I guess she chose her career over her kids." That statement literally makes me want to punch someone...and then elbow drop them. The reality is...I'm choosing Jesus...and His plans for my life. What that means...well, when I get home on Thursday, I'm a much better mom than I would have been if I had been there all week. I sounds crazy. But I miss them so terribly, that I just want to squeeze and pester them all hours of the day. Now that I'm typing this, I'm not sure those facts qualify me as a better mom...but you will just have to trust me. I know there will be a day when my boys ask me why I was gone so much. In fact, Harrison has begged me a few times to not leave. And, wow, those days are crazy-difficult. But the joy that my explanation brings me and them in why I leave, makes it worth it. So, why do you do what you do? I'm learning that figuring out the answer to that "why" question, makes all of the difference in the world.