Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Overcoming Barriers

I have been toying in mind if I should even post about this "barrier" in my life, but I decided I should for one very important reason. Last year, Adam turned Harrison's first year of life on the blog into a book for me. This year, I anticipate that Adam will do the same thing. It is such a great gift to Harrison and me. So, I decided that having "serious posts" aren't such a bad idea. When Harrison looks back at these books one day, he can see what his parents were going through. I don't want him to think that all I cared about were his milestones...I want him to know what we were experiencing in life. And remember when you are a kid, it just doesn't feel like your parents have feelings or emotions...they are just robots that enforce rules. It seems like that is how a lot of kiddos feel.
Anyway, so as most of my blog followers know, I had an ectopic pregnancy last summer. It was kind of a surreal experience which left me with two huge emotions...
1. I'm so blessed to be alive
2. I'm so fortunate to have a healthy son
So as I approached today, the due date of the ectopic pregnancy, I have more emotions than ever about it. Since Christmas, I've been thinking a lot more about it. In addition to the previously listed emotions, I have felt,
1. I am so glad that I am not about to have a baby (which I would be)
2. I wish I was pregnant again.
3. I just want to be sad for a little bit.

The first two seem a little contradictory, but in reality, I feel both very strongly. #1, I know the Lord has better plans than I do, and one thing is certain. Right now, is a crazy time in our lives. I cannot fathom that I could have two now. I think the Lord knew that we were going to be wandering in the desert. And lastly, I do want to feel sad for a bit. My initial (and long lasting) emotions after everything happened, were very positive, look-on-the-bright-side-of-things feelings. I felt like it was really healthy, at that time. Then I got to a point where I wanted to be sad, but then I felt bad about feeling that way because I was so fortunate to already have a child. Not to mention, I kept on telling myself, there are worse things in the world that can happen. I have decided, that "having a child already," doesn't make it easier now. It did initially, but not now. And because worse things can happen or are happening, doesn't mean that I can't or shouldn't have a heavy heart. Anyway, so all of this has been a little bit of barrier recently. And yesterday, at my women's bible study, these two great ladies prayed over me. And I feel like I confronted the barrier. It stings a little, but it feels good.

Lastly, I put these pictures of Harrison on the blog to lighten the mood a little. I know there is a handful of people out there that would get a good kick out of his outfit.

1 comment:

Garrett and Allison Reed said...

Honestly, when I read the title of the post and then first saw the thought was "Harrison's outfit might be a barrier to coolness." I apologize. Maybe I will understand the girlie little boy outfits if I ever have a boy.

Anyway, just want you to know how much I love you and your BEAUTIFUL heart. My heart hurts for you and everything you all have been through but just like you I am clinging to the promise that the Lord is good and that His plan for our life is perfect. The Lord uses your friendship to bring richness to my life. Love you so much Boo! Give Harrison a big hug from me and a smooch from Emmy! She's kind of forward like that.