I have been toying in mind if I should even post about this "barrier" in my life, but I decided I should for one very important reason. Last year, Adam turned Harrison's first year of life on the blog into a book for me. This year, I anticipate that Adam will do the same thing. It is such a great gift to Harrison and me. So, I decided that having "serious posts" aren't such a bad idea. When Harrison looks back at these books one day, he can see what his parents were going through. I don't want him to think that all I cared about were his milestones...I want him to know what we were experiencing in life. And remember when you are a kid, it just doesn't feel like your parents have feelings or emotions...they are just robots that enforce rules. It seems like that is how a lot of kiddos feel.
Anyway, so as most of my blog followers know, I had an ectopic pregnancy last summer. It was kind of a surreal experience which left me with two huge emotions...
1. I'm so blessed to be alive
2. I'm so fortunate to have a healthy son
So as I approached today, the due date of the ectopic pregnancy, I have more emotions than ever about it. Since Christmas, I've been thinking a lot more about it. In addition to the previously listed emotions, I have felt,
1. I am so glad that I am not about to have a baby (which I would be)
2. I wish I was pregnant again.
3. I just want to be sad for a little bit.
The first two seem a little contradictory, but in reality, I feel both very strongly. #1, I know the Lord has better plans than I do, and one thing is certain. Right now, is a crazy time in our lives. I cannot fathom that I could have two now. I think the Lord knew that we were going to be wandering in the desert. And lastly, I do want to feel sad for a bit. My initial (and long lasting) emotions after everything happened, were very positive, look-on-the-bright-side-of-things feelings. I felt like it was really healthy, at that time. Then I got to a point where I wanted to be sad, but then I felt bad about feeling that way because I was so fortunate to already have a child. Not to mention, I kept on telling myself, there are worse things in the world that can happen. I have decided, that "having a child already," doesn't make it easier now. It did initially, but not now. And because worse things can happen or are happening, doesn't mean that I can't or shouldn't have a heavy heart. Anyway, so all of this has been a little bit of barrier recently. And yesterday, at my women's bible study, these two great ladies prayed over me. And I feel like I confronted the barrier. It stings a little, but it feels good.
Lastly, I put these pictures of Harrison on the blog to lighten the mood a little. I know there is a handful of people out there that would get a good kick out of his outfit.