Motherhood Thoughts

There are a couple of things about motherhood that no one can adequately describe for you until you are actually a mother. Actually, there are a TON of things that you just don't understand until you are a mother. The past two days there have been a couple of things that have really tugged at my heart. Last night, Harrison, Adam and I went out to dinner and I sat across the table from both of them (as the picture above clearly shows). I watched Adam talk and play with him and I found myself falling more and more in love with both of them just over a couple of minutes. I remember when I was younger and I thought about the man I was going to marry, I always was certain that I could never love a man more than my dad. And while that remains true, I love all three of these guys (Dad, Adam, and Harrison) so differently and immensely, not one more than another. I also remember being nervous when I was pregnant with Harrison that I wasn't going to love him as much as I love Adam. I guess I am inflicted with some sort of selfish-love complex. But again, I love him in a way that I never anticipated and in a way that no one can tell you about. And I can't describe it any other way than what happened to Harrison and me today.

We went to the pool (indoor pool at the rec center) where they have a great kiddie section. This isn't Harrison's first dip in the pool, but it has been a while. The pool is about 3 1/2 feet deep, which obviously requires me to hold Harrison at all times. As we got in the pool, Harrison clung very tightly to my arms, shoulders, hair, whatever he could find. The more we explored, the tighter he grabbed. Eventually, he would loosen his grip. But it made me feel so good that he was clinging to me. He knew that I was going to do my best to protect him, and that I wasn't going to let anything happen to him. I couldn't stop squeezing him tight. I just love that he is at the age where he knows that he needs me. At that same time I love this age, because he isn't trying to tell me that he doesn't need me. Anyway, I love that I am getting to experience these new feelings for the first time. I'm sure that I have said this before, but it is times like these that I want to bottle up and pull out when he is 15 years old .