Where We Are

the moments that I live for
they look so different sitting-up

prune juice laden spit-up...

I’m writing this post because I want to remember where I am right now with Fisher. I’m 90% sure that this will pass, as does everything in life. Right now, we are struggling with some serious tummy issues. Let me start by giving a brief history. I didn’t breastfeed Harrison. He wouldn’t latch on. So, I pumped for three weeks and then when I thought I was going to jump the roof from pumping, feeding, cleaning pump supplies, repeat, and getting over guilt (which is a whole different story) I decided it was time to switch him to formula. It was great. I’m so glad I did it. It worked really well for us. I never had an ounce of breast milk, and I turned out okay…for the most part. When I was pregnant with Fisher, I committed to doing the same for him, with hopes that I could breast feed normally. Well, he did latch on…to one side. This meant I still had to pump. This time around it seemed less tedious, which I think was due to me being prepared for it. So, Fisher got about three and a half weeks of just breast milk, and we still have some in our freezer. I actually quit, because I realized that something in my diet was making him beyond miserable every now and then. This stressed me out to no end, and the fact that I looked like Dolly Parton and didn’t want to be seen in public, made it pretty easy to quit (and I knew that formula is really not that big of a deal…I mean Harrison is pretty amazing). Well, his first day on formula, he struggled all day. Same with the next day. And the next. So we switched him to a gentle formula. Pretty much no change. At his 4 week appt, I explained to the doctor that he was uncomfortable 85% of the day. She told me to give the gentle formula a week and then try soy formula if it doesn’t get better. We also got him on a little baby Zantac. Because at this point, we aren’t sure if it is reflux, severe gas, milk allergy, or all/none of the above. I don’t want y’all to think we have jumped to any conclusions. We literally tried everything: feeding him less, more often; Mylicon and gripe water galore; burping more frequently and differently. You name it, I’m confident we tried it. But this is all new to me. I could’ve given Harrison anything in a bottle and he would’ve tolerated it well. So, we are at the tail end of the week trial of Soy Formula and Zantac. I’m not sure that he has gotten better. He got constipated just after trying Soy, so we had to give him prune juice. Bad gas and struggling to poo look pretty similar, and I’m pretty confident that gas is still an issue. He still spends 95% of his wake time in pain. And a lot of his bed and nap time he is struggling too. Not to mention if you read potential side effects in boys that are on soy formula, you want to run in the opposite direction of it. We are giving it our due diligence though. We may be onto a different formula tomorrow. We really just want to know if he has a milk allergy or has lactose intolerance. Here is what I do know…this is heartbreaking for me right now. For moms of newborns, you live for those moments when your child is awake and you get to interact with him and get the occasional smile or coo. And right now, Fisher spends pretty much all of that time in pain. Truth is… he handles it like a champ. He doesn’t cry at all…not unless it is piercing and then it goes away immediately. It really isn’t interfering with his sleep too much (I can just hear him groan all night). But there is nothing I want more than to take this pain away from him…and right now, I can’t do anything. And to feel like we have taken two steps back this past week and a half, is a little discouraging. When Harrison gets sick, we identify what it is and it takes it course…you know there is an end. And what this has made me realize is that parents who have kids that are ill…and I mean ill…cancer, serious defects, etc, are super-heroes. I have hope that this will pass…after all, we are talking about a tummy-ache. Clearly it isn’t life threatening. At this point, I think worst case scenario, my son has a milk allergy and I have to pay out the wazzoo for special formula. But for a lot of parents out there, their child’s condition won’t pass. I’m sure their hearts are just broken for their kids and not being able to take their pain away. I guess they get to a point where they cling to the hope that they have in the Lord. And move on. I don’t know how people who aren’t believers get through such trying circumstances. And as I put on the back of his birth announcement from 1 Samuel 1, “I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him. So, now I give him over to the Lord. For his whole life he will be given over to the Lord.” This morning, I prayed over my little man’s belly and gave it to the Lord. He is the great Healer, after all. But I also threw my hands up and asked for direction. I’m sure many of you are thinking, “Mandy, get a hold of yourself, it is just gas.” Well, for me, it is tough. And this is where I am. So, when you ask me how things are going…this is how they are going. If you feel so inclined, please say a little prayer for my son’s belly. And on a totally related yet unrelated note, the sweet smelling poos that newborns allegedly grace you with are not present in our house. Apparently during the tummy troubles, his go through an extra fermenting process…gag.